On a personal note, this past year and a half or so has been kind of rough. I'm sure that a lot of you can relate to some degree.
In this state of entropy
Empathy is everything
In someone else's shoes
Would you choose the same...?
Back in July of 2020, my dad died unexpectedly of a heart attack. Not long after that, my mom got sick with covid. By the time she recovered, due to the pandemic, my job teaching English and tutoring students in the writing center at a community college had essentially dissolved. This, in turn, may have contributed to my marriage of sixteen years falling apart, which left me little choice but to move back to the place where I grew up and have spent most of my adult life trying to get away from. I now live over two hundred miles away from my two kids, whom I miss dearly.
Wherever you are, I hope you hear me
Wherever you are, I want you near me
I'm sending you a life preserver
Put it on, kid. You deserve it...
Is it everything you wanted?
Is it everything you hoped it would be?
Because this old house is feeling haunted
By the ghosts of memory...
Music and writing are what gets me through it. While I generally try to not conflate art with therapy, sometimes these things do overlap. Besides, art is usually cheaper.
I don't expect you to understand
How it feels to be swimming in quicksand...
Don't forget who you are
Is unforgettable to me
Your eyes are lit up like the stars
And only you know what they see
Share your mind, share your heart
And let yourself be free
Because only you know who you are
And all the possibilities...
Since the pandemic began, I finished and fully revised the novel that I had started writing back in January of 2020. Coincidentally, it's about an event that disrupts and transforms the lives of all Americans, causing a sudden reevaluation of our priorities. Sometimes life only makes sense when you step back and look at the big picture, and sometimes it takes years for this to happen.
I know you wonder what might have been
If you had taken the other road instead
But you know it's only in your head
It takes a lifetime to get it right
And only sometimes do we recognize
It takes a lifetime, takes a lifetime...
I also recorded two albums last year, the first of which I began writing back in late autumn of 2020. Embers is essentially about trying to save my marriage and find meaning in existence, while Petrichor is largely about accepting what I can and cannot control.
Take me as I come
Because this is who I am
I'm not fooling anyone
I don't even think that I can...
It's not what you anticipated
I know it's always complicated
But everyone would be so devastated
Another day, another night, another life is wasted...
As I mentioned in a previous post, I haven't played an actual show since before the pandemic began. Now that I'm back to living in the very small town where I grew up, I don't even know where I would perform if I wanted to. I still practice, and I've toyed with the idea of writing another album, but my priority right now is in finding a viable way forward from my present situation. I certainly never expected to be here now.
Restless again at two a.m.
Trying to dream
Myself away to another place
Where everything is as it seems...
Where do we go from here?
It could be anywhere
We don't know where we're going
Until we get there...
My mom appreciates the help around the farm, and I am thankful for the time that I get to spend with her, especially since it's time that I never really got with my dad. Besides, who knows where I'll be living after this? I am excited by the possibilities. At the same time, being here is kind of therapeutic in its own way, an opportunity to recharge for whatever comes next. Life is precious, and it's easy to take the things we have for granted. Right now, I'm just trying to make the most of what I've got, one day at a time, while trying to create and pursue new opportunities to look forward to.
Got my life, and it's ok
It will be brighter another day
Can't blame the rain or curse the night
It will change again by morning light...
It's also nice to be reminded that I have friends who care about me. When I lived in Ohio, most of my friends were in the graduate program with me and have since moved on to better things (i.e. the fuck out of Ohio). I had expected to be there for five years and ended up staying for about nine. In the end, it got kind of lonely, while being quarantined and unemployed certainly didn't help.
You and I are drifting by like contrails
Parallel lines through the sky, don't know where
Don't know why, that's just life and all it entails...
Home is a house in the dark
The rough stone that makes you sharp
Don't let it fall apart
Don't want to go back to the start...
I am sharing all of this with you not only as a means of self-therapy, but with the hope that you might get something from it as well. Fundamentally, I think the most important thing we can do is to see to it that the world is better off because we're in it, whatever that means. Our contributions do not need to be grandiose in order to be significant.
So make today a better day any way that you can
Make today a better day like only you can
And we'll keep making our own better days
Isn't it just like fate to change...?
To everyone who is reading this, I wish you the best. I believe in the beauty of the soul, and that art and love are its greatest forms of expression. That in mind, I hope you will find the beauty within yourself and share it with others, whether through a song, some other work of art, or a simple act of kindness.
It seems to me
That life could be
Love. Create. Find happiness wherever you can, and try not to take it for granted.
If you like what I'm doing, please share it, add my music to your playlists and follow me wherever you listen. This is how it spreads, and I can't do it without you.
As always, thank you for supporting independent art.
[Here are all fifteen of today's songs in a Spotify playlist:]